Albert and the 'ospital

You’ve ‘eard of young Albert, t'Ramsbottoms lad,

an’ t’various stunts that he played?

So I’d like to relate an adventure he ‘ad,

when an ‘ospital visit he made.

 

 Pa said “we’re off to th’infirm’ry,

“your aunty Irenie’s took sick.”

“As far as we know she’s not feelin’ reight well,

an’ ‘er whatnots are givin’ ‘er stick?”

 

On t’journey Pa challenged t’conductor,

wrong fare he were askin he thowt?

T’conductor remarked “if tha wants, jump off t’platform,

an amb’lance’ll tek thee for nowt!”

 

Conductor put t’Ramsbottoms off at t’main gate,

an’ for th’ospital signpost they sought.

“it’s a womans complaint that shes in for” said Ma,

so she wont be in th’ear, nose an’ throat?”

 

They finally fon t’ward that Irene were in,

after what were an ‘ell of a traipse.

She were sat i’bed readin’ an owd Woman’s Realm,

an’ ‘er ‘usband were sat scoffin’ grapes.

 

“How you feelin’ Irene?” enquires Mother.

“Not too bad” auntie looks up t’say,

“I’m in t’theatre tomorrow” she whispers,

 “they’re tekkin’ th’ole lot away!”

 

It were getting’ confusin’ t’Albert,

‘bout theatres he started to think

Uncle Bill were still sittin’ there, munchin’ on t’grapes,

an’ spittin’ all t’pips into t’sink.

 

Ever more eager were Albert,

this theatres’ location to find

so he tugged on ‘is mothers coat sleeve an’ he said

“I’m just nippin’ to t’loo d’ya mind?”

 

As soon as t’young fella ‘ad got out o’sight,

‘is quest he ‘ad started upon.

To find this ‘ere theatre before he went ‘ome,

an’ see if a picture were on?

 

He’d bin searchin’ for twenty odd minutes,

when a sign readin’ THEATRE he spied,

there were no-one on t’door tekkin’ money,

so he quietly ventured inside.

 

It were not like the lad ‘ad imagined,

wi’ no seats an’ not even a stage.

Just a table wi’ leights an’ an oxygen mask,

well as far as young Albert could gauge.

 

T’little chap were disappointed,

but new plans evolved in ‘is ‘ead.

He wouldn’t be watchin’ a picture toneight,

but he’d play airline pilots instead.

 

He clambered  on t’theatre table

an’ fittin’ the mask into place,

he twiddled a few knobs an’ buttons,

‘til somethin’ blew up in ‘is face.

 

The lad started comin’ o’er sleepy

an’ a nap seemed a reight good idea,

as he drifted away he imagined,

someone speak, but it weren’t very clear.

 

 Ma an’ Pa started to worry

why Albert were so long away.

Auntie Irene ‘ad summoned a nurse wi’ ‘er bell,

Uncle Bill were just startin’ t’milk tray.

 

Ma mentioned that Albert were missin’,

Nurse replied “not t’fret, theres no cause.”

Pa said “If he’s tumbled an’ damaged hissel,

he’s in the reight shop I s’ppose?”

 

Ma then bid ‘er goodnights t’aunt Irene,

an’ she’d best off bi lookin’for t’lad.

Uncle Bill stood there wipin’ ‘is gob as he said,

“that were best bunch o’ nanas I’ve ‘ad”

 

Well they searched ev’ry cupboard an’ closet,

but t’little chap weren’t to be seen.

Ma were frantic she wanted to search ‘em agen,

Pa protested he weren’t very keen.

 

As they stood there in t’corridor thinkin’,

o’er where to look next for their lad

a trolley went past wi some feet stickin out,

“what an ‘orrible pong” noticed Dad.

 

“It’s our Albert!” Ma shrieked rather wildly,

“’ow d’ya know?” started Pa in surprise.

“them theer clogs stickin’ out from that blanket,

it’s th’aroma that I recognise!”

 

“What ‘ave you done to mi lad?” Ma demanded,

“he’s out like a leight, what’s the game?”

he’s all reight I s’ppose an’ if not wondered Pa,

will there be some insurance to claim?

 

T’porter were taken aback wi it all,

“it’s ad’noids as far as con tell?”

“wi only come ‘ere for a visit” said Pa.

“I ‘ope tha’s done t’tonsils as well?”

 

“He’ll be fine” said t’nurse as she tucked Albert in,

“but he’ll ‘ave to stay in for a spell.”

“that’s allreight Pa replied “it’ll give us a rest,

an’ I’ll save on his bus fare as well?”