Or Albert and the Toolmaker.
This was the first monologue I penned. It was an “'omage” to "Bill Pearce" a toolmaker, fisherman, union man and friend who I shared a toolroom with for a few years.
Sadly no longer with us, Bill enjoyed the traditional monologues and hopefully my humble offering?
You’ve heard of young Albert Ramsbottom,
An’ ‘is exploits wi’ lion an’ such
of ‘is Ma who would say that ‘er lad were a joy,
and ‘is Pa who would never say much.
Well t’day dawn’d at last when ‘is schoo’days did end
an’ he entered in t’world of employment,
where ‘is Pa said t’work for them offerin’ most,
an’ ‘is Ma said pick t’job for th’enjoyment.
So Pa marched ‘im down t’fact’ry in town,
a place where they med bits an’ bobs,
for tellys an’ vi-de-o cam’ras,
an’ ask’d if they’d getten any jobs?
Off t’works manager Albert were sent,
Pa offer’d “‘owdo?”.as a greetin’.
T’manager sighed an’ he ask’d ‘em inside,
sayin’ “wi’ll ‘ave t’be sharp, ‘I’ve a meetin’!”
“Reight, ‘ow con I ‘elp thee?” t’manager quizzed,
slyly glancin’ at t’clock ont’wall.
So father towd t’chap of ‘is GCSEs.
An’ ‘is qualifications an’ all!
“He seems pretty breight, does he tek after thee?”
said t’boss givin’ Albert a wink.
“well ‘is eyes an’ ‘is ‘air come fray me” stutter’d Pa ,
“burr’is brains are ‘is mams I should think?”
“O’ reight then” said t’manager, “‘eres what we’ll do,
we’ll go down to t’toolmakers shop
an’ t’lad con be tested on tackle in there,
an’ find out if he’s any cop?”
Straight off t’toolmakers t’manager swept,
wi’ Albert an’ Pa in ‘is wake.
“Pa, what do these toolmakers do?” asked the lad.
Pa peplied “they sup tea an’ yet cake”
T’toolmakers room t’were all gloomy an’ dank,
an’ smelled of’ tin baths an’ owd oil,
where a spotty faced youth stood alone by a bench,
wi’ some callipers, squeezin’ a boil.
“Dusta know where owd Bill is?” t’manager snapped.
Abruptness were one of is traits.
“t’last time I saw ‘im ‘eed just nipped to t’van,
for th’anglin’ times an’ ‘is bait.
“I’ve no time t’wait” were t’boss’ reply,
“there’s meetin’s a plenty t’tend.”
Said Pa “don’t thi bother, we’ll ‘ave a look round,
an’ see if there’s owt we con mend.”
When t’manager’d gone little Albert relaxed,
an’ started t’look all abaht.
“if Billy comes back an’your touchin’ ‘is stuff”
said th’apprentice,”he’ll gi’ thi a claht”
As soon as he’d sed it, Bill swept into t’room,
returnin’ from t’newspaper vendor.
Seein’ Albert an’ Pa stood there by ‘is bench, quipp’d
“are guided tours now on th’agenda?”
“Wi’ve come to find Albert a job” answered Pa,
“an’ ‘ere’s where we’re mekkin’ a start!”
To which Bill replied in a loud ‘aughty voice,
“what I do’s not a job….it’s an art!”
“That’s as maybe?” says Pa pushin’ Albert to t’fore,
“but we’re ‘ere to let thee test mi son,
on equations that find out the weight of a circle,
or ‘ow many quarts in a ton?”
“Reight oh” said the toolmaker, wipin’ ‘is ‘onds
an’ he sat Albert down wi’ sumsums.
T’lad started scribbling an’ countin’ on fingers
while Pa sat there twiddlin’ ‘is thumbs.
On completion t’paper were ‘anded t’Bill
who said caustic’ly like , but not bitter.
“’avin’ looked at thee answers t’some o’ them sums,
‘ad you thowt abaht bein’ a fitter?”
On further discussion wi’ various gaffers,
Pa ‘n’ Albert went ‘ome from they’re mission.
Greetin’ both Ma asked if “there’s owt’s sorted out?”
Pa said proudly “our Albert’s ‘lectrician!”
Well, Albert were suited t’bein’ a sparks,
an after he’d master’d repairs,
if summoned to fettle a job big or small
would allus turn up in a pair.
