Auntie Edie

I love mi aunty Edie, she’s special there’s no doubt.

If ever I’ve a problem, she’ll sort the beggar out.

 

She does all t’usual aunty stuff, like bakin’ cakes an’ knittin’.

But she’s good at loads of other stuff that some folk sez not fittin’.

 

She paints an’ ‘angs wallpaper like interior designer.

Her plastering’s magnificent, at welding there’s no finer.

 

I’ve seen ‘er clean an’ renovate a rusty carburettor.

She built mi mam some bookshelves an’ you’ll never see none better.

 

She sorted t’vicars toilet out an’ unblocked t’vergers sink.

She re-wired wimmins institute, when t’fusebox went on t’blink.

 

When t’team were short for t’five-a-side mi aunty played in t’nets,

Took Murray on at tennis, an’ beat ‘im in straight sets.

 

Shes ‘ad a do in t’cricket team an’ starred wi’ bat an’ ball,

She nearly won t’grand national, but th’orse it took a fall.

 

‘er ‘ighest break at snooker is a nunderd an’ fourteen,

an’ on th’oche twelve dart finishes are regularly seen.

 

She likes a game o’ poker, be it stud or be it draw,

if you try ‘er wi’ a yard of ale, she’ll sup it in one go.

 

‘er singin’ voice is crystal clear, at dancin’ she’s a peach,

Fred Astaire an’ Ginger Rogers aunty Edie used to teach.

 

She knows all t’works o’ Shakespeare, ev’ry act an’ ev’ry scene.

She knows more jokes than Manning, and some of ‘em are clean.

 

When I struggled wi’ mi ‘omework, aunty Edies ‘elp I’d seek,

She knows more maths than Einstein, French an’ German she can speak.

 

In geography shes knowin’ ev’ry capital an’ peak,

she recollects er ‘istory like it ‘appened t’other week.

 

Shes wonderful at ev’rything, theres nothin’ she cant do.

An’ she’s only just o’er five foot one an’ nearly ninety two.